Monday, August 22, 2011

Random Ramblings

It's been a few days since I've written. But I have an excuse! Well, I have a few excuses, actually. It could be that I'm too sad to talk about my issues; it could be that I've just been too tired; it could be that I've been in too much pain; it could be that I really miss my kids; or it could be a combination of all of the above.

I just can't seem to get myself to feel better.

It's been over a week since my chemo treatments, and I'm still nauseous every day. Each day I wake up and I think to myself, "Will this be the day I feel better?" And each day I realize it's not. The time is flying by, and my wedding will be here in 12 days. Really, I don't need to feel perfect that day. I just need to feel good enough.

Aside from the nausea, my biggest obstacle has been the severe diarrhea caused by the radiation. I only have three more treatments left, but I'm in agony. I can't eat or drink much because I always feel sick. I've dropped about five pounds in the last week, which I really can't afford to do. When I do eat, I need to keep it bland, because I know it'll be shooting out the back end within a half hour and I don't want it to sting more than it has to. The skin "down there" is so raw, I can't even sit down. I cry a lot. I'm embarrassed and I'm depressed and I just want this to stop.

The doctor tells me that the week after the radiation is finished will be the worst for the diarrhea. My wedding is nine days after the last treatment. What if I'm not better yet? What if it hits me when I'm walking down the aisle in my beautiful, perfect dress? How will I run to the bathroom? I won't make it. That would certainly be a memorable wedding ceremony, huh?

Think positive!!

Yeah, ok.

I miss my kids.

I'm lucky that their dad isn't working this summer so they can stay with him. There's no way I'd be able to take care of them or do anything even remotely fun with them. But, the problem is, my ex is terrible with the phone. The kids never call me. I barely ever see them. Don't get me wrong, he'll bring them over any time I ask, but most of the time I don't feel well enough and I don't want them to see me that way. They're scared enough as it is.

I did get to see them for a few minutes today, though. He brought them over on their way down the shore. They'll be gone for a week. I got lots of hugs, but I couldn't help noticing the way Dylan was staring uncomfortably at my wig.

I hate this.

It's not fair.

I know. Life isn't fair.

But why did this have to happen NOW?

I don't mean to complain. There are people who have it a lot worse than I do, and I know that. But I'm having a little pity party over here, and right now, I'm the guest of honor.

I don't want to cancel my wedding.

We have people coming in from 11 different states to be here for the big day. Flights and hotels have been booked. Tuxedos have been rented, dresses have been bought.

It HAS to happen.

I need this wedding.

I'm going to have my wedding.

1 comment:

  1. You *ARE* going to have your wedding, doll. That's not even a question. We love you. xo