Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hitting Hard

After such a positive, upbeat last post, I've been avoiding writing again for fear of bringing down the mood. Actually, that's not entirely true. I haven't really been able to write anything at all since this last round of chemo has knocked me right on my ass!

I forgot they told me the effects would be cumulative. I had an extra week off before my third cycle because of the wedding, so I was feeling pretty good for about a week. And for some reason, cycle three - while not a picnic in the park - wasn't quite as bad as the ones before. But cycle four, on the other hand...Wow.

I shouldn't complain. So many others are going through worse experiences in their lives right now. I should be able to deal with a little poison in my veins. But, quite honestly, I'm just sick of being sick. I hadn't really recovered from the last cycle before this one started, so it's really throwing me for a loop. I know I should be celebrating because this was supposed to have been my last cycle, but I'm just not in a partying place.

What if it didn't work? What if I have to go through this again? What if it's not over?

I'm scared.

I should be thinking positive thoughts. "Your attitude through all of this is very important," my mom keeps reminding me. But as hard as I try, it's not always easy to think happy thoughts when your head is in the toilet.

I'm really scared.

I have my follow-up CT scan scheduled for November 10th, with the results on the 14th. Hopefully, by then, I'll be back into a routine with my kids again. I miss them so much. But what if the results aren't good? What if this Hell has to start all over again? What will I tell my boys?

I can't think that way! My mom keeps reminding me, "Look at all you've been through in such a short time." Do I even remember it all?

Since April, I've had a LEEP, numerous PET scans and CT scans and MRIs, I've given myself shots to stimulate my eggs, I've had my eggs retrieved, fertilized and frozen, I've had a hysterectomy and my ovaries were removed, I was sent back to the hospital for an infection, I've had 28 days of radiation and four, three-day rounds of chemotherapy, I've lost my hair, I was sent back to the hospital for low white cells and I've gotten married.

Have I missed anything??

Oh yeah. My honeymoon. I missed that. And my kids. Haven't seen them very much. I really miss my old life, actually. I miss feeling healthy. I miss going to the gym. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss waking my kids up for school. I miss helping them with their homework. I miss feeling like a person.

I feel like a walking science experiment. No ones knows exactly what to do, so they'll just keep trying different potions until something works. I hope.

I really hate that I'm being such a downer. In the middle of writing this entry, I called my kids just to hear their voices. Their dad called out, "It's Mommy!" and I heard a rush of excitement, then a joyful game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to see who'd get to speak to me first. Justin emerged victorious, and his bubbly little, "Hi Mommy!" almost brought me to tears. I listened as he told me all about the macaroni skeleton he'd made at school, and how he had memorized the Cub Scout Promise. Then Dylan took the phone and let me know the he, once again, was chosen for Gifted and Talented reading. He shared some ideas for his birthday celebration in November, then I let them both go back to dinner and homework. I hung up the phone after repeating "I love you" and "I miss you" over and over again. I don't understand how any parent can willingly decide not to see his or her children. It breaks my heart.

And here I am again. Alone in front of my computer. Jimmi is out picking up some dinner that I probably won't be able to eat, and I'm typing away while I'm well enough to sit up straight. I just want this part to be over.

I need prayers. Please pray that this will be over. Pray that my scans in November will be clean. Pray that they will stay clean. Pray that I'll be able to watch my kids grow up and graduate from high school, and college. Pray that I'll be there to congratulate them on their first job and dance with them at their weddings. Pray that I'll be able to hold my grandchildren in my arms and kiss them on their soft, sweet heads.

Please, pray for me.


  1. I think... if you close your eyes and listen veeeeery closely... you'll hear more prayers being whispered in your name than you ever knew there were prayers.

    There is an *army* of friends and family standing right behind you, Suzanne. You may not be able to see us all the time, because some of us have taken up our positions miles and miles away, but we are standing tall and standing proud and standing HELLA confident that we're on the winning side of this war.

    Love you.

  2. You have every right to feel all you are feeling. You are going through so much, and like your mom said, in a very short amount of time.

    Feeling down is part of the process. Soon you will be feeling well enough to do all that you want to do and be with your kids and celebrate their macaroni projects in person!

    I wish you well. And am very confident your cancer is a goner. Goodbye cancer. Hello life!