I'm a Princess

I want so badly to write about my wedding dress fitting today.

I want to write about how perfectly it fit, how beautiful it made me feel, how amazing it will be to wear it for Jimmi on September 3rd. I want to write about how I felt like a princess when I turned and saw my friends and my mom staring at me with tears in their eyes. I want to write about my fabulous shoes and my delicately detailed headpiece.

But I can't.

All I can think about is starting my second cycle of chemo tomorrow.

I don't want to go.

Can I skip it? Can I just go to the movies instead? Maybe go back to the bridal shop and put my dress on again? How about I have my head shaved? Oh, wait, already did that.

Anything else other than chemo will do just fine.

But that's not gonna happen. I don't have a choice. I need to make sure my harness is still fastened as I round the second loop of my roller coaster.

I got a call on Thursday confirming my 9:00 AM appointment on Monday with Dr. Gorsky. Wait, that must be a mistake because I don't make early appointments for anything. "I didn't know I had a 9 am appointment with Dr. Gorsky," I said with exasperation. "Well, the appointment was made back in July," the snippy receptionist said. "Ok, that's fine," I tried to be calm, "but no one told me about it. Can I please make it a little bit later?" The receptionist put me on hold for a few minutes, then I heard, "Ma'am? I can't make it later because your treatment that day is six hours long." I was so confused. "What treatment? I'm supposed to have treatments on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday." I snapped. "Well, I have orders here that say they're starting on Monday." I couldn't pretend to be calm any longer. "And when am I supposed to have my radiation treatment if my appointment with Dr. Gorsky is at 9 and my chemo treatment is immediately following that?" She breathed loudly and I could almost hear her roll her eyes, "We don't have anything to do with that. I can transfer you to radiation scheduling. Hold on."

I was livid. Why did they keep scheduling me for appointments without my knowledge? The only way I ever hear about these things is when they call to confirm. In our last appointment, Dr. Gorsky told me my chemo treatments would always be Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. Now they're Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday? Get it straight, people! I have a group of caretakers who need to plan their lives around my schedule and it doesn't work if you keep changing it!

"Ms. Paragano? How can I help you?" The radiation scheduler asked. "Yes. I just wanted to check what time my treatment is scheduled for on Monday?" I heard some typing, then, "You're in at 7:45." I almost choked on my water. "In the morning?! Yeah, that's not happening. Can't we make it later? Why did everyone schedule these appointments without my knowledge? I promise, you don't want me there at 7:45 in the morning. It won't be a very good day for anyone in my path." At least she giggled a little bit and said, "Thanks for the warning. Unfortunately, we're totally booked before your appointment with Dr. Gorsky, so we have to keep you where you are." I took a deep breath. "I'm not blaming you for this, but how does this make sense? I'm scheduled for radiation at 7:45. It'll take 15 minutes. Then my appointment with Dr. Gorsky is at 9:00. What am I supposed to do from 8-9??" She agreed that I had a valid point, then suggested I try and go to the third floor after my radiation treatment to check if the doctor could see me sooner.

What crap!

So, I have to do what they say. I'll be up bright and early tomorrow morning to fight traffic so I can rush around and get my second dose of poison. I'm terrified. I'm sad. I'm exhausted. I'm nauseous and I have diarrhea. Now I get to start all over again and build on the symptoms that are already there. I have a feeling I won't be able to post for a few days, but I'll get back to it as soon as my brain allows me to think clearly again.

Until that time...Good night. Sleep well.