Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Decisons

I woke up this morning with a killer headache. "Did the cancer spread?" "Is it in my brain now?" These are the crazy thoughts I deal with now. Every ache and pain makes me worry.

I got the boys out of bed and went downstairs to get breakfast ready while they were brushing their teeth.

I'll check my e-mail.

Junk, spam, crap...Oh no. It's an e-mail I've been waiting for for a month now. But I can't get myself to open it. I don't want to look. But I do. How can I open the attachment without crying? I don't even know what to write back. What should I tell her? Should I pretend it's all ok and proceed as planned? What if it's NOT all ok? I stare blankly at the message, ignoring the attachment...I don't know what to do. Do I even want to look at it?

It's the proof for my wedding invitation.

There it is, in black and white:
The honour of your presence is requested at the marriage of Suzanne Marie Paragano and James Joseph Kane 11
Saturday, the third of September
two-thousand and eleven

Shit. What do I do? It's beautiful, of course. My first thought is to hit reply and say, "Go to print!!" But then reality hits me in the head like a brick and my head starts pounding again.

Reply..."Hi Linda,

The proof looks great, but I have a question. I just found out I have cervical cancer. It's been a crazy few weeks trying to figure out what the treatment will be and if we will need to reschedule the wedding. It's been rough. What is the absolute latest date I can let you know to go ahead on printing the invitations? We're hoping to proceed as planned, but I won't know for sure until next week.  Please let me know.

Thanks,

Suzanne

I hated to hit send, but what choice did I have? 

The next four months of my life had been planned out for me since last September. Now, I can't even plan tomorrow. But I've made a decision...

If I'm alive and well enough to put on my beautiful, perfect, amazing wedding dress, I WILL get married on September 3, 2011. I may be bald. I may be weak. I may look like shit. But I WILL get married. I WILL get married.

4 comments:

  1. I love this post. GET MARRIED ON 9/3/11. And if afterwards you don't love the way you look that day, then f*ck it, just renew your vows 6 months later. :) xo

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  2. hi suzanne,i am an acquaintance of liz waller's, and i read about you on her blog. i know i am a total stranger to you, but i wanted to say, for what it's worth, that i had a very good friend go through a nearly identical cancer scare a few years ago. she lived to tell about it, and is happy and healthy and cancer free. it's 5 years later for her. i am hopeful for you that your treatments will be as successful as hers were, and that you will look back on all this in a year from a happy place with disbelief that this surreal passage in your life ever took place.

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  3. Hi Jackie,

    Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I don't care if we're strangers or best friends. I'll take all the support people are willing to offer. :) Thank you again.

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  4. Suzanne,
    I have been reading your blog the last few days and I am always amazed the inner strength in a person that kicks in and pushes forward when there is no other choice. I have not been through cancer, but I have been through several tough times in my life that felt like cancer. I admire your strength and am terribly sorry you have to go through this. I say put that dress on and make your dream come true, even if your dream is altered or a little different now. The wedding is a symbol of you and Jimmy, not you and the cancer. I'm pulling for you and know you are doing the right thing. Take care of your health first and all good things will follow. Your blog is so well written..keep up the strength!

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