Sunday, May 22, 2011

An Open Letter to God

Dear God,

Hey, how are you? I'm ok. No, actually, I'm not. I'm sure you get requests like this all the time, but I really need to ask you for a favor. Is it possible to make everything go smoothly from this point on? I've accepted the whole cancer thing. I've accepted losing my womanhood. I've accepted getting super sick and going bald. I've accepted that I will never carry another child myself. But, please, I don't think I'll be able to handle any more surprise bad news.

What I'm asking is that there will be no more complications.

My egg retrieval has been changed from Monday to Tuesday to allow the smaller follicles to catch up. But the egg count keeps going up and down. A few days ago, there were only 8 of them. I know it sounds like enough to get just one baby, but it's really not. Not all of them will be mature, not all of them will fertilize, not all of them will make it to the freezing stage and not all of them will survive the thawing stage. If we start with 8, we may end up with one. And if that ONE doesn't take when we end up finding our gestational carrier, we're done. That's it. I'll only have this one chance. So, my first request is:

Please let them retrieve enough eggs from this retrieval to give us a real shot at having our own baby in the future.

Next, I'm sure you know that I'm having a CT scan on Wednesday. The doctors are checking to make sure none of the cancer cells have escaped to my chest or belly. If they have, I'm seriously screwed. So, my second request is:

Please let the CT scan be clean and show no signs of cancer anywhere else in my body.

And then, of course, there's the surgery. So many things can go wrong during surgery and in the months after. I've heard horror stories that have scared me out of my mind, but I have no other choice than to go through with the full hysterectomy. My third request is:

Please let the surgery go smoothly, and please let me heal quickly with no complications or additional surgeries.

The treatments that follow will be brutal. I know that. I also know that they affect some people more than others. My fourth request is:

Please let me handle the treatments well without being so sick that I can't leave my bed...or the bathroom.

Then there's the problem of my boys. They're going to be devastated by what's happening to me. I don't want them to see me going through all of this, but as much as I want to, I know I can't push them away. That wouldn't be good for anyone. Request number five:

Please let my boys be ok. Let them get through this without too much mental scarring. (Jimmi is included in this request.)

And finally, request number six:

Please let me be well enough to get married on September 3, 2011.

God, I know I'm asking a lot. And I'm sure you're not too excited about granting me any of my requests since I'm pretty sure the whole reason I'm sick is because you're angry at me for badmouthing the Catholic Church. I hope you know that had nothing to do with You. I don't believe in the hypocritical teachings of the church, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in You. Because I do.

I pray every night.

And I didn't just start praying when I found out I had cancer. I've always said a prayer before bed. I pray for my kids and my friends and my family. I've always tried to be a good person. I do things for others whenever I can. I don't lie or cheat or steal. I've never purposely hurt anyone. I live the way I think You'd want me to live.

I can't understand why things like this happen to good people, but I'm sure You have Your reasons.

Ok, I won't ramble on anymore. I know You're busy and have many other things to do than listen to my begging and pleading.

I hope you have a great day, and I look forward to speaking to you tonight at bedtime.

Thank you for listening,


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