Monday, May 23, 2011


I am truly overwhelmed.

When I was diagnosed with cancer last month, one of the emotions I felt was embarrassment. What would people say when they found out? Would they treat me differently? Would they run away and hide?

I told only my closest friends at first, but I knew at some point, everyone would find out. I figured it was best to take control of the situation, since it was one of the only things I was able to control. That's why I started this blog. Aside from being an outlet for my emotions, I wanted it to be a place that my family and friends could go to get information on my condition without feeling like they're bothering me or my mom. I thought it was a good idea to have all of the details in one place, so it didn't turn into a game of Telephone, going from me to my brother, to my cousin, and so on, until the information finally became incorrect and totally useless.

But I am totally shocked by the response.

On a totally non-medical note, I'm getting tremendous compliments on my writing. With everything that's going on, it's really nice to have that ego boost. I've always wanted to be a writer, but it just never worked out for me. And if there are any publishers out there who might be reading this... Hi! How are you? Yes, I would be interested in publishing. haha! Gotta keep the humor going, right?


The most amazing part of this entire writing process, has been the unbelievable amount of support I've gotten. My friends have been incredible. They've offered me everything from dinner to babysitting to taking me to the doctor, and even their own hair when mine falls out. Unfortunately, I've been letting a lot of calls go to voicemail because I physically don't have the energy to talk. But my friends haven't let that deter them. They switch to texting or e-mail. Any way they can get to me to let me know I'm important to them.  I've noticed tears on my cheeks after reading some of the messages I've gotten. But this time, they're happy tears.

Even more surprising, are the constant messages I've been getting from people who have not been a part of my life in the recent years. I've heard from people I haven't spoken to since I was in elementary school. I've gotten encouragement from friends of friends who have never even met me. There have been uplifting words from so many people who I just consider "Facebook Friends", that my heart is melting.

And then there's my family. I know your family is "supposed" to be there no matter what. But, people have their own lives, and they're busy. I expected my family to tell me they'd be there to do anything I needed, but I never thought they'd jump up and run at a moment's notice. But they have. When I needed them most, they've been there.

Especially my mom.

My mom has been tireless when it comes to me. She shows me strength that I don't think I could ever have. She pushes me to continue with my wedding plans, and not to let anything get me down. "Positive attitude!" That's her motto. My mom has been to every doctor's appointment. She's researched the best wigs, she's sat up at 5:30 in the morning trying to come up with ways to make sure I have my wedding. She's cleaned my house, organized my paperwork and picked up the kids. She's listened to me cry on the phone, in my house, at her house, in the car...If I need her, she's there. I've always known that my mommy is the best. This just proves I've been right all along.

(Side note - Jimmi and my dad have already gotten their own separate blog entries, so I'm not including them individually in this one. Let their support be known.)

Well, so much for embarrassment!

Yes, I'm still uncomfortable with people knowing that I'll be unable to carry more children and that I'll be  wearing a wig. I don't think anything will change that. But as far as I can tell from the loving words of all of those around me, I might be the only one who gives it a second thought.

I love you all. Thank you.


  1. Suzanne,

    I've been reading your blog, (you are a great writer.... NA?) Heart wrenching, just wish it all never happened.

    I will never forget the day your mom called me from Tennessee and told me that your doctor had called you with the shocking news. When I came to see you, I wanted so desperately to make everything better for you, but I knew that I couldn't. As we sat there helping Justin with his solar system project, I couldn't believe how you kept your composure, and how strong you were being, trying to act like this was a normal day, just like any other day. Even in the Shop Rite, you met some friends and you put on your smiley face and just engaged in conversation. For you, it was a day that has changed your life forever, but you didn't dare show your boys or anyone what a terrible day you were having. You truly are a testament to a mothers love for her children and how she will do anything to protect them.

    I was hoping and praying that your doctor was wrong....." let's wait to see what the other doctors say, have him fax the pathology report, so I can read it." You know how furious I was that he had told you on the phone . .. . just another reminder for me of how cruel the medical field can be BUT shouldn't be ! I wish there was some way I could have changed that, I wanted so badly to call him and give him hell, so no one else would ever have to receive news like that while they were home alone!

    I'm here for you, any way I can help.
    If you want more pasta or broccoli soup, you've got it.
    If it's helping with your adorable boys, (just love when they walk in and hug and kiss me), you've got it.
    If it's just talking about everything other than the "C" word, you've got it. If it's coming down the shore for a day or a weekend to just get away from it all, you've got it.
    If it's going for pedicures, you've got it.
    If it's telling the doctors they need to learn some bedside manners, you've got it !
    If it's cleaning your house . . . . well I'd have to think about that one, I'd rather cook! Ha Ha :)

    Seriously, I'm here to help you get through this, and I know you will so let's get started. As I said before, this time next year you will look back and say, "how did I do it? But I did!"

    And you will be Mrs Kane!

    You've got my prayers, support and encouragement . . . . .love ya!

  2. Suzanne, someone once everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. There are so many people...from your mom, to Jimmi, to your dad (who clearly knew all along what an incredible daughter he has), your beautiful boys, your family, your friends, friends from the past, people who care from afar and people you have yet to meet, who have...and you in some way. You are not alone. Count on us.

    All of us share your hurt and fear and outrage that this damned thing has grabbed hold of you but more importantly, all of us stand by you as you fight it, defeat it, enjoy your dream wedding and revel in your life with your dream guy. Lean on us.

    One of your many, many delightful facets is a passion for making those around you happy. Finding that perfect thing, event, perspective, experience, smart-ass remark or even just a bright smile that provides a lift to people. All of us, in our own way, have a passion for lifting YOU and helping your inner flame stay bright and hot. Take strength from us.

    It is impossible and even exhausting to accept every offer of help but know that so many people have repeated the prayers you wrote about and will continue to do so for you. God hears us. He hears my children when they pray for you. So many people, including I, will be there if you need us and will stop at nothing to get you anything you need so that you can focus your energy on getting better. Churchill said "when going through hell, keep going". Walk with us.

    The only kind of courage that really matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. We are all here for you. And we love ya!

  3. Thinking of you on this 'harvest' day. praying you, jimmi and your boys can find a moment to just 'be'.
    loving you big!