Sad

Today has been a bad day. No, I haven't gotten any new news. No, nothing has happened today to cause my mood. I'm just sad.

I woke up and my first thought was, "No. I'm not doing this today."

Jimmi forced me to get out of bed because he refuses to let me sit around and feel sorry for myself. Yes, it's a great quality and I'm lucky to have him. But sometimes I don't have to energy to pretend to be ok. Sometimes I don't even have the strength to smile.

I only listened to him because I knew my mom would be here at 1 to help me go through all of my paperwork and get organized. Ever since my diagnosis, I've been slacking on bills and filing and even going through the papers to throw out garbage. Let me tell you, a month's worth of medical bills and information from four different doctors can really add up. Not to mention my regular monthly bills, notes from the kids' school, get well cards, Mother's Day cards...It was quite the pile!

I begrudgingly slid out of bed without turning back around to pull the covers and comforter up and put the fake, pretty pillows back on it. I walked slowly into the bathroom with my shoulders hunched and head hanging. I methodically took a shower and dried my hair. (How many more times will I be able to do this?) And I went downstairs to wait for my mom in the cyclone of paperwork strewn across my kitchen counters.

She showed up a few minutes late with sushi in hand. "Not hungry," I said, as I slumped into a chair.

My mom is another one who refuses to play into my self-pity. "I know you're sad, but you need to take each day as it comes."

Yeah, yeah. Ok. So, tomorrow and Thursday will be more days of waiting. And on Friday, I'll see Dr. Leitao, but I'm not holding out hope that he'll have any magical words of encouragement. I doubt any of the other doctors at the Tumor Board Meeting will find any GOOD news when they look at my slides. It'll either be confirmation of the bad cancer or more unknowns.

With tears welling up in my puffy, hazel eyes, I told my mom, "I don't care if they do the hysterectomy on June 14th. I refuse to start additional treatments until after my wedding. I want to get married on THAT DAY and no one is gonna tell me I can't. It's not fair. How will I be able to sit and watch September 3rd go by with a needle in my arm and puking when I know I was supposed to be getting married that day? I'll do it on September 4th. I'll move the honeymoon. Don't make me move my wedding."

Ok, so, a bit dramatic. But I meant it. No one seems to have been in any rush since my diagnosis. Think about it. I had my LEEP on April 1st. My gynecologist, Dr. Ferrante, got the results a few days later and tried to have his office move my follow-up appointment from April 14th to any time the week before. No one told me there was a problem over the phone, so I decided to keep the appointment on the 14th. Dr. Ferrante didn't call to push me into the office sooner.

No rush.

Then, I got the news on April 14th. The first available appointment with the recommended oncologist was May 19th. It's not even May 19th now!! I took matters into my own hands and found other doctors who could see me sooner, but even they were on vacation and I had to wait 2 weeks. No one seemed concerned.

No rush.

After seeing all of the oncologists, I chose Dr. Leitao to do my surgery. He couldn't fit me into the O.R. schedule until June 14th. He said, "These cancers are very slow moving. It's not gonna make a difference if it's a month or two months."

No rush.

Now, all of a sudden, I MIGHT have weird cancer cells. I MIGHT need additional treatments. NOW there's a bit more concern. I asked Dr. Leitao on the phone yesterday when I would need to start treatments. He said I would have to wait four weeks after surgery.

Ok, so, surgery is on June 14th. So, that brings me to July 12th to start treatments.

"Can I do radiation first and then chemo after the wedding?" "No, these cancers respond best to doing both treatments simultaneously. And if there's a choice, we'd do the chemo first."

"If I'm already gonna need to wait until the middle of July, can I just wait an extra month and 3 weeks to start treatments?" "No, if it's Small Cell, we really can't wait."

Now there's a rush.

Funny, no one was in a hurry to treat me. No one was in a hurry to get things moving. Now I have one request, and everyone's in a fucking hurry.

I'm putting my foot down.

No.

I will not allow this cancer OR the doctors to ruin my wedding. Everyone keeps telling me that my health is the most important thing. But tell me how my mental health will be affected if I'm NOT getting married on September 3rd. If I'm sitting in my bed, bald and sick, looking outside at a beautiful, sunny day, knowing that I should officially be "Mrs. Kane" at that exact moment, but I'm not. Do you think that will help my positive attitude? Do you think that will help me fight?

I think not.